Danika Chevalier (00:00.77)
Hello and welcome back to the show.
I didn't really have any intent on recording today because... and I truthfully am not sure if I'm going to even publish this.
Danika Chevalier (00:19.672)
but there are some things I need to let out.
I have been carrying a weight, a story, a burden.
and I have been carrying it close to my heart and on my chest and it has gotten to a point where I am suffocating.
Danika Chevalier (00:51.618)
And the turmoil here lies because there is an element of safety involved in sharing what has been crippling me for years now.
Danika Chevalier (01:10.614)
And I know I'm taking a big risk by putting myself out there and talking about my story, but the freight train is already on its way because I chose to partake in a co-authorship.
with a publishing house to share my story and put it in print. And that will be coming out December 9th.
Danika Chevalier (01:40.91)
and
I'm feeling very torn, resentful, angry, sad, confused.
all of these conflicting emotions at the same time because my story took a pretty sharp turn.
this last month.
Danika Chevalier (02:10.314)
I have been deeply, deeply disappointed again by our justice system.
And as a person with so much spiritual accountability, this has felt.
Danika Chevalier (02:33.195)
extremely.
Danika Chevalier (02:38.754)
gut wrenching.
because I cannot help but feel a sense of responsibility.
in my soul's blueprint contract with this life of calling in this experience.
And I think that's where inside I am feeling just so at war because there is a part of me that knows that I am supported and I...
will come out of this okay, because this is just one version of the video game right now that I chose to come and partake in on some conscious level. And so now I'm battling with why, what in the soul contract is this experience?
Danika Chevalier (03:44.076)
What do I have left to learn?
Danika Chevalier (03:51.68)
What is the next best action to take?
Danika Chevalier (04:00.802)
Why is this still ongoing?
Danika Chevalier (04:09.038)
what is the bigger, greatest good that is gonna come out of this because I know there will be something even though I can't see through the fog yet.
Danika Chevalier (04:31.03)
And I'm also grappling with just the.
Danika Chevalier (04:36.4)
raw human emotion.
Danika Chevalier (04:46.626)
that I cannot seem to grasp a handle of these days.
Danika Chevalier (04:58.912)
and all the while feeling just very silenced and very alone.
Danika Chevalier (05:08.724)
alone because while I have shared parts of my story in the past with some of my social media followings and whatnot, I feel, and maybe this is imposter syndrome more than real.
projections, but I feel like.
Danika Chevalier (05:31.032)
People don't care. And I don't mean that in a way of people suck. just mean.
I have had these comments said to me by people I love the most that I am giving the situation too much power, giving this person too much power.
Danika Chevalier (05:53.432)
but I don't know how not to because...
Danika Chevalier (05:58.132)
this situation has affected every part of my life. It has cost me my business. It has cost me some very close relationships as a direct outcome of
a first attempt of selling my business. It has cost me.
my health, my mental wellness. Financially, it has cost our family thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of dollars because my husband has had to take a job and take like a third of his wage, like a job with a third of his wage in order to be home.
in the times that I'm home and the kids are home for support.
It has ripped our family apart in some seasons where my husband had to go and work a job away and be away for three weeks at a time when our kids were very, little. And we just, a year and a half later, came out the other side of that with some super big separation anxiety issues that had manifested with my oldest son.
Danika Chevalier (07:22.623)
I don't feel safe in my own house. I feel trapped, imprisoned by my house.
because truthfully, I never know if it's okay for me to leave it. I never know when I'm gonna run into this person, if I'm gonna see them. And even if I don't put myself out there, I'm getting text messages of people. I know it's out of concern, out of love, but I'm getting bombarded by the situation, even when I try to keep my nose to the ground and forget about it.
Danika Chevalier (08:03.617)
and we're now at a point.
Danika Chevalier (08:08.311)
where we are going to be uprooting and making big plans and big changes in our physical.
Danika Chevalier (08:19.093)
living.
Danika Chevalier (08:25.901)
And I just don't know how we got here.
Danika Chevalier (08:31.83)
And again,
Danika Chevalier (08:38.899)
I don't understand what the soul contract mission is here and why it isn't complete yet.
Danika Chevalier (08:50.509)
But what's happened recently is the man who has been harassing me and stalking me and harassing my husband for five years now was released from prison suddenly.
Danika Chevalier (09:06.957)
And the more information I'm finding out about this, the more I just feel gutted because the people that are supposed to be protecting...
victims are not doing their job straight up.
Danika Chevalier (09:32.183)
Yeah.
Again, I don't really know how safe I feel getting into it, all the details right now, but I do feel like I need to.
Danika Chevalier (09:43.669)
air it out and get it off my chest in some respect because this book is coming out, this chapter is coming out and...
Danika Chevalier (09:54.921)
I don't know what's going to happen after that because this person is very unstable and very mentally erratic and
Danika Chevalier (10:05.951)
I can't really stop this process at this point.
Danika Chevalier (00:05.506)
I have been taking this out on myself though for much longer than I'd like to admit.
Danika Chevalier (00:15.512)
by trying to escape.
because I can't physically escape.
Danika Chevalier (00:25.763)
and
truthfully it feels like a very slow suicide.
Danika Chevalier (00:33.516)
And on the outside, if you're listening to this, might sound shocking, surprising.
Danika Chevalier (00:51.586)
But on some level, I feel like...
I don't have anything left anymore. And I have three beautiful, healthy boys to raise. And I don't know how to do that right now.
because everything feels so crippling and financially.
Danika Chevalier (01:13.998)
I am so drained. This has drained our family on top of the pandemic before that. Like it's just been.
Danika Chevalier (01:28.546)
confusing.
Danika Chevalier (01:36.992)
And it's challenging to be the kind of person who has spent the last eight years.
Danika Chevalier (01:52.162)
being and trying to be and striving to be a beacon of light and hope and support and empowerment and now feeling like a complete fraud.
Danika Chevalier (02:05.73)
Because I don't know how to pull myself out of this right now.
Danika Chevalier (02:19.414)
I am going through the motions.
Danika Chevalier (02:26.016)
I am exhausted but I cannot sleep. I cannot rest.
Danika Chevalier (02:34.592)
I have done all the therapy, all the EMDR, I've done the cambo, I've done the exercising, the meditations, the somatics. I don't know anymore.
Danika Chevalier (02:59.02)
And while I have been wishing to leave the physical location that I live in right now, now that it's knocking on our door.
Danika Chevalier (03:11.638)
it feels.
Danika Chevalier (03:16.021)
so overwhelming.
Danika Chevalier (00:01.422)
But when the truth of the matter is, cannot fathom taking my children to the park, to the beach.
anywhere without being in crippling fear.
of truthfully like the boogeyman coming out of the bush and I don't know, doing what, but this is where mental health is so.
unpredictable.
Danika Chevalier (00:34.828)
because I don't know.
and what the delusions are telling him. I don't know if he feels resentment or anger at the fact that...
Danika Chevalier (00:53.354)
He's been in jail. I don't know. was his own doing, but.
Danika Chevalier (00:05.56)
So I'm taking a big chance. I'm showing up in this capacity.
Danika Chevalier (00:14.966)
and letting myself be seen because I don't know that I'm ever gonna heal from this without this piece of the puzzle. By continuing to live in the darkness and in the silence, I think I'm digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole.
and for as scary as it is to be seen and as much as I don't want to give him any outs of myself, it's no longer about him. This system has failed me too many times now for me to have any optimism or any...
realistic hope that things are going to be different and that...
Danika Chevalier (01:04.19)
He just will go away. So I have to go away.
but that doesn't mean that my voice has to go away.
Danika Chevalier (01:16.886)
And I feel like maybe past me wrote this chapter in this book because she knew future me needed that kind of accountability to showing up and speaking my truth and speaking and sharing my story.
Danika Chevalier (01:33.452)
because the fact of the matter is I cannot continue to do it alone.
Danika Chevalier (01:47.715)
So.
if you are feeling in the trenches.
Danika Chevalier (01:56.914)
Carrying a burden close to your heart that is feeling like a 20 pound weight. I want to invite you
to share it in some capacity. Maybe by journaling it, maybe by recording a video or an audio, or maybe by calling a friend or a therapist.
Danika Chevalier (02:25.133)
but I'm starting to wonder because I feel like I have not left a stone unturned with this. I'm just starting to wonder if the soul-contracted lesson from this is for me to learn.
Danika Chevalier (02:41.175)
to be seen as this soft, vulnerable, broken.
shell of a human.
Danika Chevalier (02:55.605)
And although the ending of this story is a little bit grim, and I don't even know if it's the end yet.
Danika Chevalier (03:06.665)
I do know that something much bigger than me is going to come from this and that I do trust in that. And I am open to being guided and being shown that way.
Danika Chevalier (03:22.091)
And I know that future me is looking back on this time in gratitude. But motherfuck, is it hard when you're in it?
Danika Chevalier (03:43.191)
So to anyone.
who is questioning whether it's worth getting up in the morning. I get it, I feel you, I see you.
Danika Chevalier (03:57.302)
I don't have the answers.
And I would be lying if I didn't think that leaving this game would make it all feel much better.
Danika Chevalier (04:11.117)
but my damn spiritually advanced self knows that if I don't learn the lesson in this lifetime, it's gonna come back to be learned in the next lifetime. And this lifetime is pretty beautiful, so may as well.
Danika Chevalier (04:32.929)
But it's really annoying being that aware.
Danika Chevalier (04:42.103)
So guess this is a really dark way of sharing that my book is coming out soon and...
Danika Chevalier (04:50.933)
If you feel compelled to support me, my family, the publishing house, the other amazing authors, women that have also bared their soul and been in the depths that I am, the book is called Women Who Rose from Ashes.
And holy shit, are we just burning everything down right now?
Danika Chevalier (05:23.831)
There is a lot of grit and lot of resilience and a lot of inspiration and empowerment built into this book. And even though my chapter feels like it was not complete and I felt like I just wanted to delete everything or re-edit everything or I don't know. It is what it is. And I do hope that it...
By sharing my story, it continues to lighten.
this crippling heaviness that I'm living under.
Danika Chevalier (06:03.629)
And throughout of all of this, I just hope that we stay safe.
Danika Chevalier (06:17.549)
So I promised a raw, unhinged podcast channel when I started this. And I don't think it gets any more raw than this.
So I'm going to sign off on this episode. I'm going to go make some tallow because I feel like I channeled that business long before I knew how much I really needed it. And so I am digging into that because it is a task that I can do with my hands. I feel some sense of accomplishment after I know it's helping people that greater good. It is a beautiful act of heart, soul and service.
making this product and for that I'm super grateful.
And maybe this is going to be our way out financially. Maybe this is the gift.
that I'll give my future self and our family.
Danika Chevalier (07:28.555)
life.
Anyways, I will sign off. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being along for the ride that we call life and.
I love you so much.
